The Love Paradox
by lemonz and limez
Summary: Sheldon Cooper's feelings for Amy were a paradox... absurd, but when examined so undeniably true. Set sometime in season 10


_**A/N: Hello all... this is my first fic in a long time, and if I do say so myself I am a little nervous. Anyway, this is set somewhere in season 10, it's canon in my version of the universe, so. The characters are most likely OOC, but, hey, it's fan fiction what can I say? I don't have a beta reader so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.**_

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Sheldon watched as Amy marched toward the bedroom, anger burning in her eyes. He watched as she slammed the door shut behind her, and listened as the click of the lock told him where he could sleep tonight.

As a couple who lived together, it was not unusual for them to fight. Normally, however, it would be about who got to use the bathroom first, or which part of the Oreo was better. Never was it over the validity of his feelings for her. It was never that.

As far as couples go, Sheldon thought that he and Amy knew how to communicate effectively. They had gotten much better at it since they got back together. At least so he thought…

Amy hardly touched her food that night, it was habit she had when work had her down or when something was amiss in her personal life. Sheldon knew Amy long enough, to know that he shouldn't probe but simply let her talk when she was ready.

So, when she met his eyes, set down her fork and asked the question. It did nothing but catch him off guard.

"Are you sure you love me?"

Is what she had asked. Six words was all it took to knock the mighty Sheldon Cooper off his equilibrium. Six words and Sheldon Lee Cooper was taken back to that dark time in his life when Amy was not in it.

"Amy, don't be ridiculous, you know the answer to that."

It had been said in movies, books, songs… however, the statement proved to be useless when the face of an enraged girlfriend stared back at you.

Amy's nostrils had flared slightly before she asked. "No, Sheldon, if I knew the answer to that, we wouldn't be having this discussion right now. So, again, are you sure you love me?"

There they were again. Those six words, spoken more harshly, but none the less… there they were.

Sheldon had sighed, he too allowed his fork to rest gracefully on the plate, as he soon had lost his appetite.

"Amy," he had said, "you know I love you, it is the most undeniable fact about my life, and it bothers me that you could even question the soundness of those feelings."

"Can you blame me? You refuse to show any public displays of affection, you have limited our intimate life to once a year…"

Sheldon put his hand up to stop her, suddenly angry himself. "You're kidding right?" he had asked, incredulous. "You agreed to that arrangement."

"You asked me right in the afterglow, Sheldon! My mind was in haze, I would've agreed to anything!" She shouted, slamming her fist on the table angrily.

"If it bothered you so much why didn't you come and talk to me about it?"

"Because like it or not, I am afraid of you, Sheldon! I am afraid of telling you how I am feeling, because if I do you, will either laugh at me or bring it back around to how it affects you!"

Sheldon remembered his jaw clenching, not at her but at himself. How in any universe was it ok for her to be afraid of him?

"Amy…"

"No, Sheldon! I'm tired and I don't want to talk about this right now." It was at that point that she angrily rose from her seat at the table and made her way to the bedroom. She turned to him one last time before she angrily slammed the door. "You know what, Sheldon? If you truly loved me you forget about the damn relationship agreement and just… love me."

That had all transpired an hour ago.

In that time, Sheldon had busied himself with cleaning up the mess from dinner. A way his mother had taught him was a distraction. However, when he had finished he found himself on the blue couch in the living room staring at the wall in front of him.

Hurting Amy was the last thing he had wanted to do. Yet, he had found a way to do it without him even knowing. It's like the universe was playing some kind of evil trick on him.

'What if she leaves me again?' he thought to himself. 'What if she decides I'm not good enough and she leaves for good?'

Sheldon felt a panic rise in his chest that he hadn't felt in a while. The panic that he had felt after Amy broke up with him. The panic that he had felt when he saw her kiss another man. The panic he felt every time he imagined a world without her in it.

He refused to lose her again. It just would not fit into his equation, because there could be no inequalities.

There was still light emanating from the bedroom, which told him that she was still awake. Whether or not she wanted to see him was irrelevant, he needed to fix this. Fix it before he lost her again.

As he slowly approached the door, he couldn't hear any sounds coming from the inside of the room.

'Maybe she's asleep,' he thought.

He quietly did his routine knocking on the door, he listened carefully as shuffling could be heard from within the room. Through the fogged glass panes of the door he could make out his girlfriend's figure, and the lock that had been angrily set over an hour ago was now being undone gentle care.

As the door opened and the figure of his girlfriend appeared before him, his heart clenched. Her face was tear stained, it showed in the puff of her cheeks. Her normal nightgown was replaced with an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. She held a tissue in her hand, which he could only imagine the garbage can was full of.

"Sheldon what do you want?" She asked, folding her arms over her chest.

"I wanted to talk to you," he said, playing with his hands in front of him. "And I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I appreciate the concern, but I am fine." There was a harshness in her tone that almost made him back off, but when she tried to close the door on him, he put his foot in the door in order to stop her.

"Amy, no, we need to talk, and we can't do that if you shut me out."

"Sheldon, please," She pleaded, as he wedged his way into the room. "I am tired, I just want to sleep."

"And you can do that, after we talk," he said as he took her hand and lead her to the foot of the bed. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, he took her hands in his, looking her square in the eye.

"Amy," he began. "when you asked me earlier if I was sure I loved you, I should not have hesitated. Because as sure as I am about things, I have never been surer about my feelings for you. It's plain and simple, I love you. I love you more than science, my mother, hell I love you more then my own life. And if I have been making you feel anything less than that, I can never make up for it."

Amy sighed, tears pouring from her eyes. "Sheldon, I want to believe you, I truly do. But words can't always be enough, you know that."

Sheldon grasped her hands tighter, "then tell me what you want me to do."

"Sheldon, I can't always tell you what to do, I can't be the relationship counselor in my own relationship."

It was then that Sheldon Cooper did something he never did. He cried. The tears came so fast that even if he had wanted to stop them he would've had no way of stopping them from spilling over his cheeks.

"Amy, please!" He pleaded, letting go of her hands as if they were fire and leaping off of the end of the bed. "I need to know how to fix this… I can't lose you again!" He shouted, pacing in front of the bed with his hands on his hips.

Amy sat wordlessly on the foot of the bed, watching as her boyfriend had a panic attack right in front of her. "Sheldon, it's ok…"

"No! It's not ok, if you leave me again, I won't survive it this time," he cried, sobs wracking their way through his body. His body shook as every nerve in his body was on high alert. He wrapped his arms around himself, pinching his sides as trying to calm down.

He felt like he was trapped. Trapped in a room without an exit and the walls were closing in on him. The darkness becoming even darker as he sunk to his knees.

'So… this is what life without Amy feels like,' he thought bitterly.

Amy watched as her boyfriend was quickly reduced to a sobbing wreck in a matter of seconds. One minute he was yelling about not losing her, the next he was on his knees sobbing. It pained her to watch him in such intense grief.

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she rose from the bed and sunk to his level. Gingerly she wrapped her arms around his body, pulling him close to her. She let his head rest on her chest, letting one of her hands smooth down the hair at his neck. He seemed to calm instantly. The sobs of his body softened, his shaking reduced to a slight vibrate.

Sheldon felt like the walls had shattered. In an instant the walls stopped suffocating him and he could breathe again. Until he realized the arms of his love were wrapped around him.

Although his thoughts were still clouded, he could make out the soft tone of her voice.

"It's ok, sweetheart, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Sheldon's hands gripped her forearm tightly as he came down from the final remnants of the attack.

She pulled away from him ever so slightly to look him in the eye. She could see the fear that lay within, and she couldn't help but feel responsible.

There was so much to say, but she knew… it wasn't the time for that.

Amy moved her hand up to his cheek, wiping away tears that continued to fall from his eyes. Giving him a teary smile, she gently placed her lips upon his. She did her best to tell him everything in that one kiss. That she wouldn't leave him, that she knew now how he felt, that she was sorry.

Sorry for every time she doubted his feelings for her, because she knew that those kinds of things did not come naturally to him. Sorry that she caused him so much pain last year, because she knew she did.

Their tears mingled together, creating a messy blend on both of their faces. Sheldon, who would usually be disgusted by this kind of affection, pulled Amy closer to him… desperate to commit this moment to memory. Because this changed their relationship. If one could feel love become stronger…this was that moment, and he never wanted to forget it. But neither did she.

They mutually broke the kiss. Amy rested her forehead on his and closed her eyes, cherishing what they just shared.

"I'm sorry," Sheldon whispered almost inaudibly. "I'm not very good at this, but I swear to you, Amy, I will try harder. Just please don't leave me," he begged, hardening his already set death grip on her.

"Sheldon," she shushed. "I _know_ you love me, it was silly of me to think otherwise. I just wish that sometimes you would show it more, sometimes saying it is not enough."

Sheldon nodded frantically. "Whatever, you want… I will go on the roof and shout it if you want, just tell me what to do."

"Hold my hand in front of other people."

"Ok."

"Kiss me in front of our friends every once in a while."

"Fine."

"Make love to me more than once a year."

Sheldon had opened his mouth to say ok, but that was before what she said registered for him. "W-what?"

"You heard me, I want us to be intimate on days where my age doesn't go up a digit," she said. "You said you would do anything, Sheldon."

Sheldon thought about it for a moment. Did he want to be intimate with her again… yes. Did it scare him that he might lose control over his urges… yes. Would it stop him from doing it anyway… no.

Pressing his lips together he nodded. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, you want me to show you how much I love you… there is no better way to do it."

"Sheldon, I don't want to force you…"

He pressed a finger to her lips to quiet her. "You're not, I want to. I truly do," He said, pulling his finger away and pressing another kiss to her lips. "I want to make love to you," he murmured against them.

Amy shuddered against his kiss. Even after more than five years of dating, he had never been so vocal with his desires toward her. And even though this was slightly stemming from his paralyzing fear of losing her… she could tell he was genuine.

When they pulled apart, Amy wrapped him in a hug, much like how his comforted him during his attack. Resting her head atop of his, she planted a small kiss on his hair, breathing in his sent.

"Hey, Amy?" he said after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"My knees are starting to hurt; do you think we could stand up?"

Amy pulled away quickly. "Of course!" she exclaimed, rising to her feet and helping him to his own.

He looked like a mess… just like someone who had just had panic attack. Exhausted.

Sheldon sat on the foot of the bed, right where they began their conversation. "I know I said I'll do anything, but right now I just want to sleep."

"That's ok, Sheldon," she assured him. "I don't expect anything from you tonight. I just want to hold you right now, that's all."

"Good, because I want to hold you too."

She smiled happily. "You are a wonder, Sheldon Cooper."

Sheldon mirrored her smile. "I love you too, Amy Farrah Fowler."

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 ** _Thank you so much for reading, drop a review if you'd like... they are like fuel to my writing fire._**


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